If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
You Might Also Like
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
monday
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds