Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Best mom ever 😂
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude