Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
no one ever comes back
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
He’s cranky this morning
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.