Best mom ever 😂
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[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I have many caverns
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers