I have many caverns
You Might Also Like
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
shut up and take my money
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.