My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
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Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.