Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Jail
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My beach vacation Google searches
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Gods work.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep