RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
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The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.