“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
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JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
put ‘er there pardner!
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.