FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
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What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end