2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Worst perfume name ever.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.