*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
You Might Also Like
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
my sentiments exactly
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”