I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.