I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
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My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent