My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
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TRAIN’S HERE
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.