My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
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In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts