All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
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GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.