#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
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Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Is fructose made with real fruct?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
OMG 🤣🤣
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.