It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Cake safety first. Always.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
This kinda thing happens to me often
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.