I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
You Might Also Like
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
*weighs self after shaving
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020