I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.