My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.