My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
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If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!