So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Me if I was a dog
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware