ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
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HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
<- sleeps well with others
put ‘er there pardner!
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.