Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
i wish we could shoplift online
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.