My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
The cashier just checked me out.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible