[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
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When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan