Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
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Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.