*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
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Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
6: are snakes just neck?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.