“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
You Might Also Like
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.