i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
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PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Going to church you guys need anything
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.