I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
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America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Breaking news:
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.