[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
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Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
two people or more is called a problem
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍