billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid