If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you