PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
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So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I can fix him.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
RT if you could go either way.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!