Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
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Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*