Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows