I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
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I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then