BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
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Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.