me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.