DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
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British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.