When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
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Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
How is it still this week?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.