My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
shampoo implies shampee
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*