Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
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for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Animal poetry
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream