[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now