There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?