Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
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And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Not all heroes wear capes.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.