I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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MAX
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.